All That Glitters
by The Jabberer
Summary: "Vampires sparkle in the sun, Brother." "Yeah, well, so does Armstrong." — crack!fic for Hayaaateuh


**ENTITLED:** All That Glitters  
><strong>FANDOM:<strong> Fullmetal Alchemist. With Twilight references.  
><strong>SUMMARY:<strong> "Vampires sparkle in the sun, Brother." "Yeah, well, so does Armstrong."  
><strong>DISCLAIMER:<strong> I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Twilight.  
><strong>UNOFFICIAL DISCLAIMER:<strong> All bashing of Twilight has been done for comedic purposes only.  
><strong>CREDITS:<strong> The definition of Twilight is from the dictionary.  
><strong>NOTE:<strong> It had to be done.

.

Ed glared at the passenger who sat across from him.

The train ride had been completely uneventful so far. Not one word had been exchanged for the past two hours, because the person across from him was immersed in a ridiculously thick black book that appeared to be entitled _Twilight._

Pfft.

It was such a pansy name for a book. He preferred practical books, himself.

Ed cleared his throat.

The person across from him merely flipped a page, seemingly deaf.

"Al," he grumped. "I don't see how a book with a pansy name like _Twilight_ can be interesting."

He received no answer, and was therefore reduced to glaring at the apple on the cover. It was strange, really. Why would a book titled _Twilight_ have an apple held by ridiculously pale hands? An apple obviously had nothing to do with the period in the evening during which light prevailed. A more fitting image would _clearly_ have been a sunset.

It was just common knowledge.

"Al," he said loudly.

His brother finally managed to tear his gaze off of the pages. "Yes, Brother?"

Ed opened his mouth, before closing it again.

He'd wanted to say something two hours ago, though he'd long since forgotten what it was.

He covered it up by clearing his throat. "Nothing. How's the book?"

Al assumed what Ed had long before dubbed, "The Winry". It was a pose that she assumed when she saw anything to do with automail. Or a particularly attractive male specimen.

Needless to say, Al's eyes began to twinkle (_how_, Ed wasn't quite so sure, because eyes twinkled when the pupils dilated, and Al hadn't quite recovered his pupils yet), his hands cupped his cheeks (or where Ed supposed his cheeks would have been), and he began to sway back and forth, creating the illusion that he was made of rubber.

"Oh, Brother, it's a rivoting tale of true love triumphing over the barriers forced upon humans and vampires by nature–"

Ed stared. "Vampires?"

Al nodded ecstatically.

"…That sounds stupid."

This earned him a horrified gasp.

"It is _not_ stupid, Brother! It is a touching story about–"

For the first time in years, Ed tuned him out.

This had Winry written all over it. He'd have to have to hold an intervention about her taste in literature the next time he saw her.

.

By the time the four-hour train ride was over, Ed was sorely regretting striking up a conversation with his brother about the book.

He glared at the cover for the umpteenth time.

Stupid _Twilight._

He couldn't wait to get out of the train. Al would probably stop talking about _Twilight_ to greet whomever the damn Colonel had sent to escort them to Headquarters.

"This book added so many twists to a classic tale of forbidden love! Vampires _sparkle_ in the sunlight, Brother!"

Ed scanned the premises for their escort, and immediately groaned when he saw a nearly-bald head with a blonde mustache towering over the others.

"Yeah, well," he grumbled, "so does Armstrong."

Al looked horrified. "He does, Brother… He sparkles _pink_!"

"What does that mean, exactly?"

Al wailed. "I don't know. Edward Cullen just sparkled like diamonds!"

Ed muttered something indistinguishable under his breath as he drudged over to the Major, only to be pulled back by the end of his braid.

"That _hurts_, Al!"

"Brother! _I_ am perfectly safe because I am a suit of armor, but _you_ still have a human body. I have to check the color of his eyes to see if he's feeding off of human blood."

Ed stared, utterly bemused at the _thing_ that had replaced his once-rational brother with something reminiscent of a hyperactive Winry clone.

.

Al marched over to Major Armstrong.

The major immediately threw open his arms. "Alphonse Elric! Welcome back!"

Al managed to get a quick glimpse at his eyes before he was crushed into a hug.

They were blue.

This could only mean one thing.

The major was wearing _contacts_ to cover up his unnaturally-colored eyes. But were they topaz, or ruby-red?

He'd have to do a bit more investigating.

"Hello, Major."

Al turned around, terrified.

His brother, out of concern for _him_, had come over.

The foolish thing. He'd assured him he was perfectly safe.

.

This was getting ridiculous.

Ed watched as Armstrong crushed Al into a hug, and sincerely hoped that the pain would somehow make his brother realize how stupid he was being.

He walked over to the pair, and muttered a curt greeting.

The look that Al gave him was enough to tell him that _no_ his brother hadn't stopped being an idiot.

"Edward Elric!" the major boomed, sweeping his arms open and running towards him to give him a hazardous embrace.

Armstrong was pushed away by Al.

Ed was momentarily stupefied at his brother's blatant sign of disrespect. Luckily, Armstrong didn't seem to mind.

"Oh! You wanted another hug now, did you?"

Al shook his head firmly. "Major Armstrong, you're impossibly fast and strong. You sparkle in the sun!"

"Thank you, Alphonse Elric!"

Ed, along with the other innocent bystanders, watched in grotesque fascination as Armstrong ripped off his shirt (eliciting the infamous pink sparkles), flexed, and punched the ground.

Al dodged the debris. "How old are you, Armstrong?"

The freakishly strong man posed. "Age is but a number, Alphonse Elric! You must stay fit and exercise to live your life to the fullest extent!"

Ed shielded his eyes from the blinding sight of Armstrong's glittering torso.

He lamented over the fact that he could still hear their conversation.

"I know what you are, Major Armstrong!"

There was a _KA-BOOM _as Armstrong punched the ground again.

"Yes, Alphonse Elric! Say it! Say it out loud!"

"A vampire!"

The commotion simmered down, and when Ed lowered his arm from his eyes, he saw Armstrong looking at his brother in dumbfounded astonishment.

"A _vampire_, you say?"

Al nodded triumphantly.

"Ridiculous! The Armstrongs are no vampires! We are _alchemists_!"

Ed ran over before Al could begin to spew his delusions.

"He's kidding, Armstrong! He's just too caught up in a stupid book that Winry lent him –"

"_Twilight_ is not a stupid book, Brother!"

"Oh!" Armstrong thundered, sparkling once again. "You have read _Twilight_, as well? Did you know they will be making a movie?"

Al looked amazed. "They _are_?"

And, to everyone's disgust, they simultaneously assumed _The Winry_.

Ed stared at the pair for a moment, before shaking his head and walking to Headquarters.

Scar or no Scar, he had to turn his report in to the damn Colonel on time.

He couldn't be late to the _Harry Potter_ convention, after all.


End file.
